You're not forgotten
You're not alone
You think you're worthless, but you're worth it
And He calls you His own
Made in His image
You were made for more
You think there is no plan, that it's all by chance
But don't believe that anymore

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There's purpose for your life
So don't give up
Don't lay down
Just hold on
Don't quit now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are here for a reason
You're, You're here for a reason

If you spent your days, just getting by
When you feel useless, He can use you
And show you what it means to be alive

Every day is a gift from above
Don't throw it away
When it feels like too much
He'll be there

On my Facebook memories popped up song lyrics from Ashes Remain called "Here for a Reason". I didn't remember the song but I vividly remember that season of my life. One of the darkest. It was about a month after I was in a car accident. But let me back up a little further. During the summer of 2014, I returned from my first oversees trip and had the whole summer off. I spent lots of time journaling, in the prayer room, and talking to God about my worth. I wrestled with it all summer, growing in confidence in who and how God sees me. I was in a good place.

On Sept 1st 2014, going 75 mph down the interstate, a truck pulling a camper drove into the median, kicking dirt. I didn’t slow down as I thought he was pulling off the road due to an issue with the vehicle or something. Before I knew it he pulled back on the road in the left lane. I moved to the right lane. He kept coming to the right lane. Now foot on the brakes I steered the only way I could between the looming camper on my left and the guard rails on my right until my car had shredded off 7 or so metal posts and came to a stop jammed into the guard rail. The camper corrected itself but not before swiping both driver’s side doors. I remember I screamed and it felt like the most genuine prayer I had ever prayed. Even after the car stood still I kept screaming. It all happened in a matter of seconds. A few witnesses stopped and came to check on me, one already on the phone with the police. I grabbed my phone and called my dad. I had no initial injuries.

For weeks after I would see a doctor as new symptoms, stiffness, hip, back, neck pain started. I did physical therapy, but physical activity made my head throb and my hips ached when I tried to sleep. Then I was prescribed a “muscle relaxant”. I’ve learned now it was actually a general nervous system suppressant, NOT a muscle relaxant. School became hard as I could study for an hour and not recall a single thing. I became depressed and was mad at God that I was alive. I was so convinced of His love for me and His enjoyment of me that I couldn’t understand why that camper didn’t just fall on me so I could die and be with Him. I replayed the accident over and over again, every time concluding that it should have ended with me being killed. I felt very little purpose here. Journaling came to a halt as I could hardly put thoughts together.

One night in my dorm room I tried to journal and I remember thinking the words I was writing did not sound like me. I was trying to figure out how I could not be here in anymore. How I could kill myself. It was almost like I was aware of these thoughts, yet they weren’t mine. I was terrified of these thoughts! I remember grabbing the bottle of medication and chucking it as hard as I could at the garbage can. I knew in my gut it was the source and I didn’t touch them again. And I never had thoughts like that again. I sought help from my chiropractor who explained how the medication worked and how it was actually a general nervous system suppressant resulting in more issues than what I started with and gave very little relief to the issue it was suppose to be helping. At his suggestion, I started taking an herbal supplement Valerian Root, an actual muscle relaxant known for its non-addictive sedative properties. Let me tell you, I have never slept so well in my life. It helped with everything it was suppose to and more and had zero side effects. Later on after constant stomach pain from pain meds I started taking curcumin another natural supplement with zero side effects and even better results. I began to understand how certain things we put in our body may help or cover up one issue, but cause others that are even worse or leave our bodies damaged. I was understanding the ways of modern medicine were narrow minded rather than wholistic and are not focused on healing the body but about addressing a singular symptom.  This was the first major shift in my approach to health and wellness.